#10 - Farts Are Funny

#9 - A Zombie At Disney World

Episode #8 - Random Comedy Generator

Episode #7 Transcript

Welcome to another episode of The One Mic Podcast. This show has now been listened to by people in France, Italy, Germany, Canada, and Australia. We’ve gone worldwide! I don’t want to sound like I’m tooting my own horn here, I mean I tried to do that once, my dick isn’t big enough and my back doesn’t quite bend far enough, so I’m not able to toot my own horn actually. But thank you to all of you who have listened in all of those countries! I’m gonna start talking shit about all the countries that haven’t listened to my podcast yet. Hey Venezuela, what are you too good for my podcast?!? I hope all your….corn crops catch fire. I don’t know what they grow in Venezuela.

Ok, today’s show is about people dying and heaven and hell and death in general, so it’s gonna be a giggle fest people. It’s gonna be hilarious. Don’t have water in your mouth while you listen to this because you’re gonna spit take that shit! I’m stupid, Ok let’s just start this.

-Intro song plays

That was _They’re Coming____ by _Elysian Bailey____ once again if you are a musician and you would like your music featured on an episode of this podcast please send me an email at theonemicpodcast@gmail.com and we can make that happen. I would love to help promote some independent music. And also, this is a comedy show, so if you have a joke you would like me to read on the podcast I would love to do that too. And if you just have a question or a comment like “Good show” or something or if you want to tell me to eat a bag a dicks, all that can be sent to theonemicpodcast@gmail.com. Hopefully you wouldn’t send all of those things in one email. Like you want your music featured on the podcast, you have a joke, you want to tell me “good show” and you want me to eat a bag of dicks, because that’s a lot to process. I’d probably have a stroke. But please, I do want to hear from you guys, and you can hit me up on Twitter @EJones91 as well if you want.

Ok, man this has been a tough week for people dying. What the fuck is going on? Prince died. So everyone has been telling their Prince stories and talking about how they were influenced by him and here’s mine. I actually wrote a paper about Prince in high school. It was just a little short exercise but it was supposed to be about the person you respect the most or something like that. That’s what the paper was supposed to be about. And I wrote that I respected Prince because he could wear women’s clothing as a straight man and get away with it. I wrote that in a paper that I turned into a teacher. And he thought it was so weird and funny that he read it outloud to the whole class. Which is one of the first instances that I can think of where I wrote something and I knew someone else found it funny. So as much as Prince and comedy aren’t really related, he is forever connected with that moment in my life. Where I kind of learned what it felt like to know someone else found something I wrote to be funny. And I did always love his music, I loved it. He will be missed and it was a sad day,

but this is why I love comedy. Because comedy can find a way and comedy can actually help you get through tough times and the funniest thing I saw the day that Prince died was a headline from The Onion, the parody news site, that read, “Nation too sad to fuck even though that’s what Prince would have wanted.” And that is so true he would want us fucking you guys. He was a horny little guy. You know before the day came for Prince to die, you know God would know ahead of time, God must have been like handing out condoms to all of the angels. “Prince is coming take a condom. Prince is coming take a condom.”

Prince died, Chyna died (the wrestler, not the country), and also Patton Oswalt’s wife died. Just a horrible week. But all of these deaths really got me thinking about the meaning of life and the afterlife. You know, I’m not religious. I believe that when a person dies it’s kind of like when I have sex with a woman, nothing happens it just ends. I don’t really believe there is an afterlife, I moved away from Christianity which is what I grew up in, I think in part because I felt like Christians didn’t have a good enough sense of humor. And I know that’s not all Christians but a lot of them are just not ok with jokes that even involve God. I think God, if he exists, has a sense of humor. I mean even in the Bible, look at the story of Jesus. This was a guy that was sent to Earth with the main purpose being to die, for our sins. Knowing that God has Jesus grow up to be a carpenter. And then when he dies he dies nailed to a wooden cross. I mean it doesn’t get much more on the nose than that. Jesus must’ve been carrying the cross like, “wood cross, I was a fucking carpenter, I get it dad, you’re hilarious. Just wait ‘till I get up there.”

That’s like if Jesus was sent to Earth to drown for our sins and God had him grow up to be a lifeguard. Like come on.

I was thinking about the afterlife so much, I wanted to learn more about what other religions believed when it came to the afterlife so I looked up the afterlife on Wikipedia, obviously. That’s the trusted source I go to when it comes to my eternal life, Wikipedia. I’m an idiot. Anybody can edit Wikipedia, you’re basically just reading what Jeff from Hoboken thinks about the afterlife.

But I didn’t really learn anything from going to Wikipedia because the article was too long on it. You ever do that? You ever want to learn about something so you go to Wikipedia about it but the Wikipedia article is so long you’re just like, “You know I didn’t really want to learn about it THAT much.” And then you just go on being ignorant. That’s what I do a lot. And this podcast is pretty clear evidence of that.

So all of my opinions are still completely uninformed about this. I don’t know I don’t really think heaven and hell exist but if they did, I mean would you really want to be in heaven forever? I don’t think people realize how long forever is. Like Never-ending. That doesn’t sound like fun. Millions and millions of years, if I hear a song that I like more than 5 times in one day I can’t stand it anymore, but you really think heaven is going to be great forever. I don’t like the sound of eternity at all. You should have the option in heaven after like 500,000 years to kill yourself and not be a thing anymore. Otherwise even the idea of heaven terrifies me. Almost as much as hell.

I mean how many times can you play tennis with Martin Luther before you’re like “this sucks, you know he can’t take my serves. They keep blowing right past him and I win everytime. And he keeps talking about nailing that 95 thesis to the door of that fucking church and it’s like you’re a one hit wonder, just move on man, I mean I had a podcast when I was alive but you don’t hear me talking about that every day for 10,000 years up here in heaven. Like I just don’t want to be here anymore.”

This would be me 50,000 years into being in heaven talking to God. “Look, God, first of all I just want to say, it’s not you it’s me. I really love what you’ve done here, I love what you did with the space, but it’s been 50,000 years and I just don’t think I want to be here wi...Oh there you go cutting me off like you always do because you’re all knowing and you know what I’m going to say before I say it, look I just can’t take it anymore ok? No, the house the fine, I knew it wasn’t going to be the nicest mansion. I know I didn’t give to charity when I was alive and you showed me the browsing history when I moved in, you know I get it. But it’s just enough. Can I leave? Should I try to hang myself or does that not do anything in heaven? How does this work?”

I just don’t want anything for eternity, that’s too long.

I don’t know, some people have really weird ideas about heaven too. Like, I never listened to country music willingly but my parents always listened to country music so we’d be on road trips and I’d have to listen to an entire Tim McGraw album or something right? So, I remember this one country song that talked about there’s “holes in the floor of heaven” and it’s saying that your relatives and your loved ones when they die, they’re up in heaven looking through holes in the floor and watching over you right? Which raises a lot of questions in my head. First of all, do they see EVERYTHING? Because I do some stuff I don’t want my grandmother who lived through the great depression see me do. You know what I mean? “Oh look, he’s complaining that he can’t afford Netflix AND Hulu again. I’m so proud of him. That reminds of when I couldn’t afford both loaves of bread at the market when I was young.”

Also are my relatives forced to look through the hole that’s pointed at ME or can they switch to a better hole? Because I feel like none of my relatives would be looking down on me through my hole they’d all switch over like Zac Efron’s hole and watch him party it up in cabo with a bunch of models. And I don’t blame them, who would want to watch me eat Little Debbie snacks in my underwear while I post a dumb thing about how mondays suck on Twitter for ETERNITY.

And also, holes in the floor of heaven? That doesn’t sound like heaven was built up to safety standards. That doesn’t sound like very good craftsmanship. What did God get lazy when he made heaven, he spent so much time adding details to earth, making an eco system and adding beautiful landscapes to it, making sure Earth was gorgeous and perfect and then he leaves holes in the fucking floor in heaven. I’ve been in attics safer than that. You’d think with Jesus being a carpenter God could have gotten better construction work done in Heaven.

But now I don’t listen to country music so I don’t have to be bothered with all of these nagging questions.

As depressing as thinking about death can be I do have a little bit of fun thinking about my own death. I always thought it would be great if I died telling a joke that I wrote, and I’m telling it for the first time and I died right before the punchline. And the setup made no sense. So my family and friends would be sitting around for years trying to figure out what the punchline was. “Ok, he said a dwarf and a canary walk into a bar, where could he have been going with THAT?”

I also find it fun to plan out my own funeral. Like I’m going to write a long Will with everything I want at my funeral. I want there to be music. I want the song “Ms. New Booty” to be played. Just because I want to be looking down through my hole in heaven and see people trying to mourn while Bubba Sparxxx is playing. And I want it loud, I’m gonna right that in the Will, as loud as possible, and not on no iPod bullshit either, I want an actual boombox. Right next to the casket loud as FUCK. I want my coffin shaking with the bass of Ms. New Booty.

 
Ok? And you know what else? I’m gonna write it in my Will that I want a whoopie cushion placed at the bottom of my grave, so when they finally lower my casket into the ground, when it hits the bottom all you hear is *pffffffffffff*

See, I don’t know who’s going to inherit my money and assets but I have planned other important things out in case of my own death.

I actually felt like I was going to die recently, me and my wife finally went down to the gym at our apartment complex. That was a terrible idea. I exercised for 10 minutes and I thought I was dying. I thought my obituary was gonna read “Ethan Jones, dead at the age of 24. Cause of death: He exercised for 10 minutes once. He is survived by his wife, who can’t believe she married such a pathetic weak man.” 

The first 2 minutes I was on the bike, in my head I was pretending that I was riding in the Tour De France, and I was excited and it was fun, I was smiling. After 6 minutes, I felt like I was riding that bike into a bright light. I could see my ancestors holding out bottles of water in front of me. Shit escalates quickly when you’re out of shape, man. The owners of the apartments put a nice new treadmill in there and they have two exercise bikes but I don’t think I should go back unless they put a defibrulater in there. I should at least take out a better life insurance policy before I try the fuckin’ medicine balls they have in there. Just to be safe.

Who am I kidding I’m never going back. Literally all I’ve eaten is pizza today.

And that’s why I don’t know how long I will live, I mean no one does, but I have a terrible diet and I don’t exercise. It’s scary. Death is scary man.

Is this still a comedy podcast? Ok, let’s do some weird news this week to lighten things up! In France a customer at a fried chicken fast food resturaunt was horrified to find a fried chicken’s head in their bucket of chicken. You know, I’ve heard of choking the chicken at work but that’s just taking it too far.

Ok I’m sorry, I just... I spent the whole episode talking about death. I wanted to end it on something goofy and light-hearted, and a joke about masturbating at work, but I don’t know if it worked.

Look, I know death is a dark topic and a lot of people don’t even like to think about it, but comedy is how I deal with bad things in my life and without it I don’t know what I would do sometimes. That’s why I try to be funny in this podcast, that’s why I love standup comedy, that’s why I love comedy in general. I would have been a lot sadder this week if it wasn’t for comedy.

So hopefully you’re not depressed after this episode and you enjoyed the podcast this week. If all my listeners haven’t killed themselves since listening to this episode I will see you guys on the next episode of The One Mic Podcast. And just be good to each other. Later, bitches!

Episode #7 Death Is Funny

Episode 6 Transcript

Welcome to another episode of The One Mic Podcast everybody, I still don’t have any sponsors for the podcast so I’m still making them up. This week’s episode is brought to you by self-doubt. Have you been feeling too good about yourself lately? Have you been feeling confident about what you’re doing with your life? Well, don’t worry, self-doubt can change all that! Start questioning everything you do and start feeling like you’ll never amount to anything! You can pick up self-doubt at your mother-in-law’s house or at any major retailer! Ok, let’s do this.

-Intro song plays

Ok, that was “Lift-Off” by Mitchett, as always if anyone listening to this would like their music featured on an episode of the podcast, if you have a question for me, or if you have a joke you would like me to read on the podcast, you can email me at TheOneMicPodcast@Gmail.com

Alright, on to the show. I swear I don’t look for these kinds of stories on purpose, but somehow I keep finding these and I can’t help but joke about them on the podcast. But I found this story that says that a man in Iceland has created a museum for penises. It was actually founded in 1997 and it contains more than 300 penises on display right now.

You know, this story doesn’t surprise me because I’ve always thought museums were full of stuck up dicks.

It’s in Iceland too, I really think they should have picked a warmer place for a penis museum. Just out of courtesy, you know what I mean.

And once again, there’s a balls museum but no woman is going to that place.

It says the museum has penises “from more than 93 different animals, ranging in size from a 2-millimeter hamster schlong to a 6-foot whale dong.” Hopefully not right next to each other. The hamsters are like, “Dude, jesus, can you not put us right next to the whale dicks, put us next to the squirrel cocks or something, you’re making us look really bad”

In another article I found about this museum, because I had to do research about this I had to know more about the penis museum, it says the guy who created the museum, before he founded it he worked as a teacher and a principal for 37 years. You see what happens when you spend decades trying to teach shitty kids basic math and language skills, you go crazy and start a museum for penises! He must have been making announcements over the intercom every morning about what the kids were getting for lunch that day and the whole time thinking in his head, “Man, I could be putting penises in a museum right now. What am I doing with my life?” The one article says “He received his first specimen, a bull’s penis, while working as a headmaster at a secondary school.” Is that like Iceland’s version of giving a teacher an apple?! “Hey, teach, I found this animal dick outside earlier and it’s been just sitting in my locker, I thought you might enjoy it and I was hoping that you would remember that I gave you this when you’re grading my paper later.” Someone plant an apple tree in Iceland or something, I don’t about the climate, if they can grow apple trees but there’s got to be a better option!

I can’t believe this museum is a thing. I can’t imagine a body part that is less appealing to see than a man’s penis, I would rather walk through a woman’s taint museum than this place, just jars of girl taints in fermaldyhyde “Oh wow, that’s a nice taint. Ohh wow, look at that, that’s a duck taint, son. Watch out don’t spill your big gulp.” I don’t even have a son so that joke is even weirder, why am I at the taint museum with someone else’s kid?

Most museums tell you not to touch the exhibits, something tells me this penis museum doesn’t have to tell ANYBODY that. They don’t have to rope anything off, everybody is keeping a distance trust me!

I can’t even take credit for this next joke because this really came from a commenter on one of the articles but someone commented saying something along the lines of, “There’s a clit museum but nobody can find it.” Bravo, sir. Sometimes the internet is a beautiful place.

And I know what you all are thinking, “Ethan, you mentioned animal dicks but are there any human dicks at this museum?” As your like on the travelocity website about to book your tickets so that you can go visit this place. But you’re not sure, like if there’s no human dicks you’ll just not go and save the airfare. Well let me tell there is one man, Jonah Falcon, has agreed to have his MASSIVE junk be put on display there when he dies. This guy has a 13 inch dick. That’s a documented 13 inches, not a craiglist, “you should come over I have a 13 inch love machine” 13 inches. Like measured, verified on twitter, in the hall of records, 13 inch penis. You know how going to see someone like Louis CK can make you want to give up and quit doing comedy, this guy is so big he makes me want give up having a dick. Like, “You win! You have all the dick! You took it all! Why am I even trying?”

Honestly though the part I’m most impressed with is the journalist who wrote the story about the penis museum. This poor guy who probably grew up looking up to New York Times writers and fantasysing about the day when he’s a respected journalist and has a desk and wins awards for his hard hitting articles exposing corruption within politics and reporting the truth, the truth that needs to be read, to all citizens, and  he’s imagining the day when he gets an award for his superior journalism and he has to go on stage and give a speech and he’s like “I’d like to thank my mom who always believed in me and always knew I could change the world with my writing” Fast forward to reality he has to write a piece on Iceland’s penis museum. But he actually made the article hilarious, I clicked on it because I thought “oh this is something I could goof on” and I read the title, the title for the article reads, “Penis Museum Curator Discusses His Growing Collection” A dick pun right in the title.  It also says in the article that “Even after six decades, [the owner] is still nuts over the variety of male sex organs found in the animal kingdom.” I mean this guy almost wrote all the jokes before I got a chance. He also found a way to sneak “schlong” and “dong” into an article, that got published. Honestly if I had an applause button like a real radio show I would be pushing it right now rapidly. This man is amazing.  If I had an award I would give it to you for that.

But in other news, in California “Two men who were angry over their food shot up a taco truck in Stockton Sunday evening.” What I think happened is someone else ordered Fire sauce and they misunderstood. How could you get that angry about the quality of your tacos, I mean people eat Taco Bell happily and they’ve set the bar soooo low for tacos. What did this place do? Not cook the meat? The day before an employee was like, “Boss I figured it out, we can like triple production if we just don’t cook the ground beef in the tacos. It’s saves so much time!” and the manager was like, “I like your initiative, let’s do it!”

Look, I’ve never been one pushing gun control laws or anything like that but...now our tacos aren’t safe! Something has to be done, people! I don’t want to live in a country where our tortilla shells can no longer be warmed without fear of bullet holes! Don’t worry the story said that all the employees inside the taco truck were fine, they probably just went home a little frazzled though right? They got home their wife was like, “How was work?” and they sounded like just got back from the war, “We were all so scared, I mean we were just kids, bullets whizzing by your ear every second. Dan he was the toughest guy I’ve ever known, I remember him, crying like a newborn, hiding behind the lettuce. All we saw was carnage, the sour cream was everywhere.”

He’s gotta go to meetings now for PTSD, sitting around a circle with a bunch of guys from the military and they ask him, “Where were you stationed?” and he’s like, “Taco Truck, California.”

Everytime he sees a Taco Bell commercial he starts screaming. His wife tells their kids, “remember don’t say anything about fourthmeal around daddy, because he’ll lose it, have one of his fits, remember.”

They can’t ever have cookouts with people over because he’ll always drink a few too many beers and start yelling things like, “OHH LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT TACOS!”

Haha, you know what maybe I’ve taken this story a little too far.

Let’s move on, alright enough news, last week I said I would talk about Wrestlemania a little bit. And well I watched Wrestlemania 32 live and I’m not a huge wrestling fan so I can’t give it a grade as far as how “good” it is. I don’t know. But it was really entertaining I will say that. I remember I was watching it and during the tag team match portion of the show, one of the tag teams involved were these group of black guys and I don’t know their whole shtick but they walked out and they had a giant box of cereal on the stage where they come out, that just says “booty-o’s” on it. And I’m sitting there thinking, “If my wife comes out right now and sees this it’s gonna be really hard to explain what this is.” - “Oh hi, honey. See what this is, they’re silly guys, they’re silly, I guess they have this cereal that’s made of booty, I don’t know.” Serious question. When you add milk to booty-o’s does it turn the milk brown like cocoa puffs? Because that has some seriously gross implications.

And the big match of the night, at least as far as I was concerned was, when The Undertaker took on Shane Mcmahon. Like I said I’m not a big wrestling fan so I don’t know if it’s a common thing but The Undertaker, at Wrestlemania 32, took GODDAMN forever to walk to the ring. He may do this every time, I don’t know, but it took so long for him to the ring. I went into the other room, watched the whole new season of House of Cards, came back, he was still walking to the stage. I couldn’t believe how long it took, but I guess that’s what he does. But I don’t know he is pretty old now too, it might just take him that long to walk that far without a walker. Honestly, The Undertaker is looking so old now he looks like he’s about two weeks from being undertooken by the real undertaker. He’s getting that leathery old people skin.

But it was interesting watching Wrestlemania because just in the last month or so I’ve really gotten into UFC for the first time. And I have the UFC fight pass now and that gives you access to a lot of content. You can watch every season of Ultimate Fighter, a lot of live events by other organizations, but the coolest part is that you can watch all of the UFC pay-per-view events dating back to the first UFC back in 94 I think it was. So I started at UFC 1 and I’ve been working my way up through all the old UFC events and I’ve watched 6 of them so far and it’s crazy to see how far UFC has come. They didn’t start off as like a legitimate sport, it was a spectacle, man. It was nuts, those old events reminded me more of an episode of Maury than an actually sports event. I half expected when the 2 fighters would enter the octagon there’d be paternity test results. “Ken Shamrock...You are NOT the father!”

There were way fewer rules back then, they would say that there were “no rules” but they were also like, “ok, you can’t murder people” They could fight bare fists, the first fight of the first UFC, 10 seconds in a guy gets his tooth knocked out, it goes flying by the announcer’s table, like what the fuck!? There were no weight classes, I mean, in one fight I saw a 600 pound guy fighting a regular like 200 pound fighter. Absolutely amazing, 600 pounds and he was still able to stand and move and fight another guy, and then I go to Walmart and there’s 250 pound women rolling around the store shopping for pringles like they can’t stand up because of their weight. Funny this is though the 600 pound fighter lost, he kept getting punched in the head, unfortunately none of that fat was around his head, it was all belly and ass.

And then the octagon, in I think the 3rd UFC, the octagon kept just flying open. The whole point is that it’s cage fighting, they can’t get out, and twice in the same event some poor asshole got thrown out of the octagon because like the door wasn’t latched or something. Can you imagine that happening at a UFC event today? Big pay-per-view event, Coner Mecgregor or somebody big and the octagon door just creaks open like a rusty barn door. Dude, Dana White would fire like everyone at that event. He’d fire the cameramen, “Well you were filming the cage you should’ve seen it was about fly open, get the fuck out of here!”

And that’s why I said on twitter, thank God for Dana White, and I know it probably wasn’t just him taking over as president but when Zuffa bought it and Dana became head of it, everything changed. It’s not the Jerry Springer show anymore, it’s a legitimate sport. It’s bigger than boxing, and I’m really getting into it now. I still don’t know that much about the sport though.

I realized when I was watching the UFC event in Tampa that I would be the worst UFC commentator ever, hats off to Joe Rogan he does a great job, but I would be terrible. Because if I don’t know the fighters really well I forget which one is which while I’m watching the fight and I also don’t know that much about MMA still so I would be the worst, “Oh it looks like the one in the black shorts is doing good now, he was not doing so good earlier. Now the hispanic looking guy tackled him and now he’s doing the arm twisty thing, yeah they’re getting all twisted up now. And they’re punching each other again. Punching lots of punches. Oh now the guy with the cornrows is doing that thing where he squeezes him again!” I don’t know shit.

But I’m going to be continue going through all the UFC events on fight pass and I’ll be tweeting about them as I go so if you like MMA or if you like silly tweets about old fighting events from the 90’s follow me on Twitter @EJones91. Like I said I don’t have a separate account for the podcast because I can’t handle the responsibility of two twitter accounts, I can’t do it. If you expect me to come up with enough good tweets for TWO twitter accounts, I’ll just kill myself. I can’t do it.

But alright, that is all for the podcast this week. Sorry that I took like a week and a half to post this but I’m trying to get on track to post these on the same day every week, maybe on a Tuesday night or Wednesday morning type of thing even though this one will probably be up Monday night in the middle the night because I work overnight shift at my job and so that’s when I do most things. That’s why all my tweets are at like 3 AM. And I still get self-conscience when my tweets don’t get a lot of likes. As if everyone is not sleeping when I tweeted it.

But alright thanks for listening I hope you enjoyed the show, I’ll be back next week for another episode of The One Mic Podcast. Byeeeeee.

#6 Taco Truck PTSD