Welcome to another episode of The One Mic Podcast everybody, I still don’t have any sponsors for the podcast so I’m still making them up. This week’s episode is brought to you by self-doubt. Have you been feeling too good about yourself lately? Have you been feeling confident about what you’re doing with your life? Well, don’t worry, self-doubt can change all that! Start questioning everything you do and start feeling like you’ll never amount to anything! You can pick up self-doubt at your mother-in-law’s house or at any major retailer! Ok, let’s do this.
-Intro song plays
Ok, that was “Lift-Off” by Mitchett, as always if anyone listening to this would like their music featured on an episode of the podcast, if you have a question for me, or if you have a joke you would like me to read on the podcast, you can email me at TheOneMicPodcast@Gmail.com
Alright, on to the show. I swear I don’t look for these kinds of stories on purpose, but somehow I keep finding these and I can’t help but joke about them on the podcast. But I found this story that says that a man in Iceland has created a museum for penises. It was actually founded in 1997 and it contains more than 300 penises on display right now.
You know, this story doesn’t surprise me because I’ve always thought museums were full of stuck up dicks.
It’s in Iceland too, I really think they should have picked a warmer place for a penis museum. Just out of courtesy, you know what I mean.
And once again, there’s a balls museum but no woman is going to that place.
It says the museum has penises “from more than 93 different animals, ranging in size from a 2-millimeter hamster schlong to a 6-foot whale dong.” Hopefully not right next to each other. The hamsters are like, “Dude, jesus, can you not put us right next to the whale dicks, put us next to the squirrel cocks or something, you’re making us look really bad”
In another article I found about this museum, because I had to do research about this I had to know more about the penis museum, it says the guy who created the museum, before he founded it he worked as a teacher and a principal for 37 years. You see what happens when you spend decades trying to teach shitty kids basic math and language skills, you go crazy and start a museum for penises! He must have been making announcements over the intercom every morning about what the kids were getting for lunch that day and the whole time thinking in his head, “Man, I could be putting penises in a museum right now. What am I doing with my life?” The one article says “He received his first specimen, a bull’s penis, while working as a headmaster at a secondary school.” Is that like Iceland’s version of giving a teacher an apple?! “Hey, teach, I found this animal dick outside earlier and it’s been just sitting in my locker, I thought you might enjoy it and I was hoping that you would remember that I gave you this when you’re grading my paper later.” Someone plant an apple tree in Iceland or something, I don’t about the climate, if they can grow apple trees but there’s got to be a better option!
I can’t believe this museum is a thing. I can’t imagine a body part that is less appealing to see than a man’s penis, I would rather walk through a woman’s taint museum than this place, just jars of girl taints in fermaldyhyde “Oh wow, that’s a nice taint. Ohh wow, look at that, that’s a duck taint, son. Watch out don’t spill your big gulp.” I don’t even have a son so that joke is even weirder, why am I at the taint museum with someone else’s kid?
Most museums tell you not to touch the exhibits, something tells me this penis museum doesn’t have to tell ANYBODY that. They don’t have to rope anything off, everybody is keeping a distance trust me!
I can’t even take credit for this next joke because this really came from a commenter on one of the articles but someone commented saying something along the lines of, “There’s a clit museum but nobody can find it.” Bravo, sir. Sometimes the internet is a beautiful place.
And I know what you all are thinking, “Ethan, you mentioned animal dicks but are there any human dicks at this museum?” As your like on the travelocity website about to book your tickets so that you can go visit this place. But you’re not sure, like if there’s no human dicks you’ll just not go and save the airfare. Well let me tell there is one man, Jonah Falcon, has agreed to have his MASSIVE junk be put on display there when he dies. This guy has a 13 inch dick. That’s a documented 13 inches, not a craiglist, “you should come over I have a 13 inch love machine” 13 inches. Like measured, verified on twitter, in the hall of records, 13 inch penis. You know how going to see someone like Louis CK can make you want to give up and quit doing comedy, this guy is so big he makes me want give up having a dick. Like, “You win! You have all the dick! You took it all! Why am I even trying?”
Honestly though the part I’m most impressed with is the journalist who wrote the story about the penis museum. This poor guy who probably grew up looking up to New York Times writers and fantasysing about the day when he’s a respected journalist and has a desk and wins awards for his hard hitting articles exposing corruption within politics and reporting the truth, the truth that needs to be read, to all citizens, and he’s imagining the day when he gets an award for his superior journalism and he has to go on stage and give a speech and he’s like “I’d like to thank my mom who always believed in me and always knew I could change the world with my writing” Fast forward to reality he has to write a piece on Iceland’s penis museum. But he actually made the article hilarious, I clicked on it because I thought “oh this is something I could goof on” and I read the title, the title for the article reads, “Penis Museum Curator Discusses His Growing Collection” A dick pun right in the title. It also says in the article that “Even after six decades, [the owner] is still nuts over the variety of male sex organs found in the animal kingdom.” I mean this guy almost wrote all the jokes before I got a chance. He also found a way to sneak “schlong” and “dong” into an article, that got published. Honestly if I had an applause button like a real radio show I would be pushing it right now rapidly. This man is amazing. If I had an award I would give it to you for that.
But in other news, in California “Two men who were angry over their food shot up a taco truck in Stockton Sunday evening.” What I think happened is someone else ordered Fire sauce and they misunderstood. How could you get that angry about the quality of your tacos, I mean people eat Taco Bell happily and they’ve set the bar soooo low for tacos. What did this place do? Not cook the meat? The day before an employee was like, “Boss I figured it out, we can like triple production if we just don’t cook the ground beef in the tacos. It’s saves so much time!” and the manager was like, “I like your initiative, let’s do it!”
Look, I’ve never been one pushing gun control laws or anything like that but...now our tacos aren’t safe! Something has to be done, people! I don’t want to live in a country where our tortilla shells can no longer be warmed without fear of bullet holes! Don’t worry the story said that all the employees inside the taco truck were fine, they probably just went home a little frazzled though right? They got home their wife was like, “How was work?” and they sounded like just got back from the war, “We were all so scared, I mean we were just kids, bullets whizzing by your ear every second. Dan he was the toughest guy I’ve ever known, I remember him, crying like a newborn, hiding behind the lettuce. All we saw was carnage, the sour cream was everywhere.”
He’s gotta go to meetings now for PTSD, sitting around a circle with a bunch of guys from the military and they ask him, “Where were you stationed?” and he’s like, “Taco Truck, California.”
Everytime he sees a Taco Bell commercial he starts screaming. His wife tells their kids, “remember don’t say anything about fourthmeal around daddy, because he’ll lose it, have one of his fits, remember.”
They can’t ever have cookouts with people over because he’ll always drink a few too many beers and start yelling things like, “OHH LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT TACOS!”
Haha, you know what maybe I’ve taken this story a little too far.
Let’s move on, alright enough news, last week I said I would talk about Wrestlemania a little bit. And well I watched Wrestlemania 32 live and I’m not a huge wrestling fan so I can’t give it a grade as far as how “good” it is. I don’t know. But it was really entertaining I will say that. I remember I was watching it and during the tag team match portion of the show, one of the tag teams involved were these group of black guys and I don’t know their whole shtick but they walked out and they had a giant box of cereal on the stage where they come out, that just says “booty-o’s” on it. And I’m sitting there thinking, “If my wife comes out right now and sees this it’s gonna be really hard to explain what this is.” - “Oh hi, honey. See what this is, they’re silly guys, they’re silly, I guess they have this cereal that’s made of booty, I don’t know.” Serious question. When you add milk to booty-o’s does it turn the milk brown like cocoa puffs? Because that has some seriously gross implications.
And the big match of the night, at least as far as I was concerned was, when The Undertaker took on Shane Mcmahon. Like I said I’m not a big wrestling fan so I don’t know if it’s a common thing but The Undertaker, at Wrestlemania 32, took GODDAMN forever to walk to the ring. He may do this every time, I don’t know, but it took so long for him to the ring. I went into the other room, watched the whole new season of House of Cards, came back, he was still walking to the stage. I couldn’t believe how long it took, but I guess that’s what he does. But I don’t know he is pretty old now too, it might just take him that long to walk that far without a walker. Honestly, The Undertaker is looking so old now he looks like he’s about two weeks from being undertooken by the real undertaker. He’s getting that leathery old people skin.
But it was interesting watching Wrestlemania because just in the last month or so I’ve really gotten into UFC for the first time. And I have the UFC fight pass now and that gives you access to a lot of content. You can watch every season of Ultimate Fighter, a lot of live events by other organizations, but the coolest part is that you can watch all of the UFC pay-per-view events dating back to the first UFC back in 94 I think it was. So I started at UFC 1 and I’ve been working my way up through all the old UFC events and I’ve watched 6 of them so far and it’s crazy to see how far UFC has come. They didn’t start off as like a legitimate sport, it was a spectacle, man. It was nuts, those old events reminded me more of an episode of Maury than an actually sports event. I half expected when the 2 fighters would enter the octagon there’d be paternity test results. “Ken Shamrock...You are NOT the father!”
There were way fewer rules back then, they would say that there were “no rules” but they were also like, “ok, you can’t murder people” They could fight bare fists, the first fight of the first UFC, 10 seconds in a guy gets his tooth knocked out, it goes flying by the announcer’s table, like what the fuck!? There were no weight classes, I mean, in one fight I saw a 600 pound guy fighting a regular like 200 pound fighter. Absolutely amazing, 600 pounds and he was still able to stand and move and fight another guy, and then I go to Walmart and there’s 250 pound women rolling around the store shopping for pringles like they can’t stand up because of their weight. Funny this is though the 600 pound fighter lost, he kept getting punched in the head, unfortunately none of that fat was around his head, it was all belly and ass.
And then the octagon, in I think the 3rd UFC, the octagon kept just flying open. The whole point is that it’s cage fighting, they can’t get out, and twice in the same event some poor asshole got thrown out of the octagon because like the door wasn’t latched or something. Can you imagine that happening at a UFC event today? Big pay-per-view event, Coner Mecgregor or somebody big and the octagon door just creaks open like a rusty barn door. Dude, Dana White would fire like everyone at that event. He’d fire the cameramen, “Well you were filming the cage you should’ve seen it was about fly open, get the fuck out of here!”
And that’s why I said on twitter, thank God for Dana White, and I know it probably wasn’t just him taking over as president but when Zuffa bought it and Dana became head of it, everything changed. It’s not the Jerry Springer show anymore, it’s a legitimate sport. It’s bigger than boxing, and I’m really getting into it now. I still don’t know that much about the sport though.
I realized when I was watching the UFC event in Tampa that I would be the worst UFC commentator ever, hats off to Joe Rogan he does a great job, but I would be terrible. Because if I don’t know the fighters really well I forget which one is which while I’m watching the fight and I also don’t know that much about MMA still so I would be the worst, “Oh it looks like the one in the black shorts is doing good now, he was not doing so good earlier. Now the hispanic looking guy tackled him and now he’s doing the arm twisty thing, yeah they’re getting all twisted up now. And they’re punching each other again. Punching lots of punches. Oh now the guy with the cornrows is doing that thing where he squeezes him again!” I don’t know shit.
But I’m going to be continue going through all the UFC events on fight pass and I’ll be tweeting about them as I go so if you like MMA or if you like silly tweets about old fighting events from the 90’s follow me on Twitter @EJones91. Like I said I don’t have a separate account for the podcast because I can’t handle the responsibility of two twitter accounts, I can’t do it. If you expect me to come up with enough good tweets for TWO twitter accounts, I’ll just kill myself. I can’t do it.
But alright, that is all for the podcast this week. Sorry that I took like a week and a half to post this but I’m trying to get on track to post these on the same day every week, maybe on a Tuesday night or Wednesday morning type of thing even though this one will probably be up Monday night in the middle the night because I work overnight shift at my job and so that’s when I do most things. That’s why all my tweets are at like 3 AM. And I still get self-conscience when my tweets don’t get a lot of likes. As if everyone is not sleeping when I tweeted it.
But alright thanks for listening I hope you enjoyed the show, I’ll be back next week for another episode of The One Mic Podcast. Byeeeeee.
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