Ok, today’s show is about people dying and heaven and hell and death in general, so it’s gonna be a giggle fest people. It’s gonna be hilarious. Don’t have water in your mouth while you listen to this because you’re gonna spit take that shit! I’m stupid, Ok let’s just start this.
-Intro song plays
That was _They’re Coming____ by _Elysian Bailey____ once again if you are a musician and you would like your music featured on an episode of this podcast please send me an email at theonemicpodcast@gmail.com and we can make that happen. I would love to help promote some independent music. And also, this is a comedy show, so if you have a joke you would like me to read on the podcast I would love to do that too. And if you just have a question or a comment like “Good show” or something or if you want to tell me to eat a bag a dicks, all that can be sent to theonemicpodcast@gmail.com. Hopefully you wouldn’t send all of those things in one email. Like you want your music featured on the podcast, you have a joke, you want to tell me “good show” and you want me to eat a bag of dicks, because that’s a lot to process. I’d probably have a stroke. But please, I do want to hear from you guys, and you can hit me up on Twitter @EJones91 as well if you want.
Ok, man this has been a tough week for people dying. What the fuck is going on? Prince died. So everyone has been telling their Prince stories and talking about how they were influenced by him and here’s mine. I actually wrote a paper about Prince in high school. It was just a little short exercise but it was supposed to be about the person you respect the most or something like that. That’s what the paper was supposed to be about. And I wrote that I respected Prince because he could wear women’s clothing as a straight man and get away with it. I wrote that in a paper that I turned into a teacher. And he thought it was so weird and funny that he read it outloud to the whole class. Which is one of the first instances that I can think of where I wrote something and I knew someone else found it funny. So as much as Prince and comedy aren’t really related, he is forever connected with that moment in my life. Where I kind of learned what it felt like to know someone else found something I wrote to be funny. And I did always love his music, I loved it. He will be missed and it was a sad day,
but this is why I love comedy. Because comedy can find a way and comedy can actually help you get through tough times and the funniest thing I saw the day that Prince died was a headline from The Onion, the parody news site, that read, “Nation too sad to fuck even though that’s what Prince would have wanted.” And that is so true he would want us fucking you guys. He was a horny little guy. You know before the day came for Prince to die, you know God would know ahead of time, God must have been like handing out condoms to all of the angels. “Prince is coming take a condom. Prince is coming take a condom.”
Prince died, Chyna died (the wrestler, not the country), and also Patton Oswalt’s wife died. Just a horrible week. But all of these deaths really got me thinking about the meaning of life and the afterlife. You know, I’m not religious. I believe that when a person dies it’s kind of like when I have sex with a woman, nothing happens it just ends. I don’t really believe there is an afterlife, I moved away from Christianity which is what I grew up in, I think in part because I felt like Christians didn’t have a good enough sense of humor. And I know that’s not all Christians but a lot of them are just not ok with jokes that even involve God. I think God, if he exists, has a sense of humor. I mean even in the Bible, look at the story of Jesus. This was a guy that was sent to Earth with the main purpose being to die, for our sins. Knowing that God has Jesus grow up to be a carpenter. And then when he dies he dies nailed to a wooden cross. I mean it doesn’t get much more on the nose than that. Jesus must’ve been carrying the cross like, “wood cross, I was a fucking carpenter, I get it dad, you’re hilarious. Just wait ‘till I get up there.”
That’s like if Jesus was sent to Earth to drown for our sins and God had him grow up to be a lifeguard. Like come on.
I was thinking about the afterlife so much, I wanted to learn more about what other religions believed when it came to the afterlife so I looked up the afterlife on Wikipedia, obviously. That’s the trusted source I go to when it comes to my eternal life, Wikipedia. I’m an idiot. Anybody can edit Wikipedia, you’re basically just reading what Jeff from Hoboken thinks about the afterlife.
But I didn’t really learn anything from going to Wikipedia because the article was too long on it. You ever do that? You ever want to learn about something so you go to Wikipedia about it but the Wikipedia article is so long you’re just like, “You know I didn’t really want to learn about it THAT much.” And then you just go on being ignorant. That’s what I do a lot. And this podcast is pretty clear evidence of that.
So all of my opinions are still completely uninformed about this. I don’t know I don’t really think heaven and hell exist but if they did, I mean would you really want to be in heaven forever? I don’t think people realize how long forever is. Like Never-ending. That doesn’t sound like fun. Millions and millions of years, if I hear a song that I like more than 5 times in one day I can’t stand it anymore, but you really think heaven is going to be great forever. I don’t like the sound of eternity at all. You should have the option in heaven after like 500,000 years to kill yourself and not be a thing anymore. Otherwise even the idea of heaven terrifies me. Almost as much as hell.
I mean how many times can you play tennis with Martin Luther before you’re like “this sucks, you know he can’t take my serves. They keep blowing right past him and I win everytime. And he keeps talking about nailing that 95 thesis to the door of that fucking church and it’s like you’re a one hit wonder, just move on man, I mean I had a podcast when I was alive but you don’t hear me talking about that every day for 10,000 years up here in heaven. Like I just don’t want to be here anymore.”
This would be me 50,000 years into being in heaven talking to God. “Look, God, first of all I just want to say, it’s not you it’s me. I really love what you’ve done here, I love what you did with the space, but it’s been 50,000 years and I just don’t think I want to be here wi...Oh there you go cutting me off like you always do because you’re all knowing and you know what I’m going to say before I say it, look I just can’t take it anymore ok? No, the house the fine, I knew it wasn’t going to be the nicest mansion. I know I didn’t give to charity when I was alive and you showed me the browsing history when I moved in, you know I get it. But it’s just enough. Can I leave? Should I try to hang myself or does that not do anything in heaven? How does this work?”
I just don’t want anything for eternity, that’s too long.
I don’t know, some people have really weird ideas about heaven too. Like, I never listened to country music willingly but my parents always listened to country music so we’d be on road trips and I’d have to listen to an entire Tim McGraw album or something right? So, I remember this one country song that talked about there’s “holes in the floor of heaven” and it’s saying that your relatives and your loved ones when they die, they’re up in heaven looking through holes in the floor and watching over you right? Which raises a lot of questions in my head. First of all, do they see EVERYTHING? Because I do some stuff I don’t want my grandmother who lived through the great depression see me do. You know what I mean? “Oh look, he’s complaining that he can’t afford Netflix AND Hulu again. I’m so proud of him. That reminds of when I couldn’t afford both loaves of bread at the market when I was young.”
Also are my relatives forced to look through the hole that’s pointed at ME or can they switch to a better hole? Because I feel like none of my relatives would be looking down on me through my hole they’d all switch over like Zac Efron’s hole and watch him party it up in cabo with a bunch of models. And I don’t blame them, who would want to watch me eat Little Debbie snacks in my underwear while I post a dumb thing about how mondays suck on Twitter for ETERNITY.
And also, holes in the floor of heaven? That doesn’t sound like heaven was built up to safety standards. That doesn’t sound like very good craftsmanship. What did God get lazy when he made heaven, he spent so much time adding details to earth, making an eco system and adding beautiful landscapes to it, making sure Earth was gorgeous and perfect and then he leaves holes in the fucking floor in heaven. I’ve been in attics safer than that. You’d think with Jesus being a carpenter God could have gotten better construction work done in Heaven.
I don’t know, some people have really weird ideas about heaven too. Like, I never listened to country music willingly but my parents always listened to country music so we’d be on road trips and I’d have to listen to an entire Tim McGraw album or something right? So, I remember this one country song that talked about there’s “holes in the floor of heaven” and it’s saying that your relatives and your loved ones when they die, they’re up in heaven looking through holes in the floor and watching over you right? Which raises a lot of questions in my head. First of all, do they see EVERYTHING? Because I do some stuff I don’t want my grandmother who lived through the great depression see me do. You know what I mean? “Oh look, he’s complaining that he can’t afford Netflix AND Hulu again. I’m so proud of him. That reminds of when I couldn’t afford both loaves of bread at the market when I was young.”
Also are my relatives forced to look through the hole that’s pointed at ME or can they switch to a better hole? Because I feel like none of my relatives would be looking down on me through my hole they’d all switch over like Zac Efron’s hole and watch him party it up in cabo with a bunch of models. And I don’t blame them, who would want to watch me eat Little Debbie snacks in my underwear while I post a dumb thing about how mondays suck on Twitter for ETERNITY.
And also, holes in the floor of heaven? That doesn’t sound like heaven was built up to safety standards. That doesn’t sound like very good craftsmanship. What did God get lazy when he made heaven, he spent so much time adding details to earth, making an eco system and adding beautiful landscapes to it, making sure Earth was gorgeous and perfect and then he leaves holes in the fucking floor in heaven. I’ve been in attics safer than that. You’d think with Jesus being a carpenter God could have gotten better construction work done in Heaven.
But now I don’t listen to country music so I don’t have to be bothered with all of these nagging questions.
As depressing as thinking about death can be I do have a little bit of fun thinking about my own death. I always thought it would be great if I died telling a joke that I wrote, and I’m telling it for the first time and I died right before the punchline. And the setup made no sense. So my family and friends would be sitting around for years trying to figure out what the punchline was. “Ok, he said a dwarf and a canary walk into a bar, where could he have been going with THAT?”
I also find it fun to plan out my own funeral. Like I’m going to write a long Will with everything I want at my funeral. I want there to be music. I want the song “Ms. New Booty” to be played. Just because I want to be looking down through my hole in heaven and see people trying to mourn while Bubba Sparxxx is playing. And I want it loud, I’m gonna right that in the Will, as loud as possible, and not on no iPod bullshit either, I want an actual boombox. Right next to the casket loud as FUCK. I want my coffin shaking with the bass of Ms. New Booty.
Ok? And you know what else? I’m gonna write it in my Will that I want a whoopie cushion placed at the bottom of my grave, so when they finally lower my casket into the ground, when it hits the bottom all you hear is *pffffffffffff*
See, I don’t know who’s going to inherit my money and assets but I have planned other important things out in case of my own death.
I actually felt like I was going to die recently, me and my wife finally went down to the gym at our apartment complex. That was a terrible idea. I exercised for 10 minutes and I thought I was dying. I thought my obituary was gonna read “Ethan Jones, dead at the age of 24. Cause of death: He exercised for 10 minutes once. He is survived by his wife, who can’t believe she married such a pathetic weak man.”
The first 2 minutes I was on the bike, in my head I was pretending that I was riding in the Tour De France, and I was excited and it was fun, I was smiling. After 6 minutes, I felt like I was riding that bike into a bright light. I could see my ancestors holding out bottles of water in front of me. Shit escalates quickly when you’re out of shape, man. The owners of the apartments put a nice new treadmill in there and they have two exercise bikes but I don’t think I should go back unless they put a defibrulater in there. I should at least take out a better life insurance policy before I try the fuckin’ medicine balls they have in there. Just to be safe.
Who am I kidding I’m never going back. Literally all I’ve eaten is pizza today.
And that’s why I don’t know how long I will live, I mean no one does, but I have a terrible diet and I don’t exercise. It’s scary. Death is scary man.
Is this still a comedy podcast? Ok, let’s do some weird news this week to lighten things up! In France a customer at a fried chicken fast food resturaunt was horrified to find a fried chicken’s head in their bucket of chicken. You know, I’ve heard of choking the chicken at work but that’s just taking it too far.
Ok I’m sorry, I just... I spent the whole episode talking about death. I wanted to end it on something goofy and light-hearted, and a joke about masturbating at work, but I don’t know if it worked.
Look, I know death is a dark topic and a lot of people don’t even like to think about it, but comedy is how I deal with bad things in my life and without it I don’t know what I would do sometimes. That’s why I try to be funny in this podcast, that’s why I love standup comedy, that’s why I love comedy in general. I would have been a lot sadder this week if it wasn’t for comedy.
So hopefully you’re not depressed after this episode and you enjoyed the podcast this week. If all my listeners haven’t killed themselves since listening to this episode I will see you guys on the next episode of The One Mic Podcast. And just be good to each other. Later, bitches!
As depressing as thinking about death can be I do have a little bit of fun thinking about my own death. I always thought it would be great if I died telling a joke that I wrote, and I’m telling it for the first time and I died right before the punchline. And the setup made no sense. So my family and friends would be sitting around for years trying to figure out what the punchline was. “Ok, he said a dwarf and a canary walk into a bar, where could he have been going with THAT?”
I also find it fun to plan out my own funeral. Like I’m going to write a long Will with everything I want at my funeral. I want there to be music. I want the song “Ms. New Booty” to be played. Just because I want to be looking down through my hole in heaven and see people trying to mourn while Bubba Sparxxx is playing. And I want it loud, I’m gonna right that in the Will, as loud as possible, and not on no iPod bullshit either, I want an actual boombox. Right next to the casket loud as FUCK. I want my coffin shaking with the bass of Ms. New Booty.
Ok? And you know what else? I’m gonna write it in my Will that I want a whoopie cushion placed at the bottom of my grave, so when they finally lower my casket into the ground, when it hits the bottom all you hear is *pffffffffffff*
See, I don’t know who’s going to inherit my money and assets but I have planned other important things out in case of my own death.
I actually felt like I was going to die recently, me and my wife finally went down to the gym at our apartment complex. That was a terrible idea. I exercised for 10 minutes and I thought I was dying. I thought my obituary was gonna read “Ethan Jones, dead at the age of 24. Cause of death: He exercised for 10 minutes once. He is survived by his wife, who can’t believe she married such a pathetic weak man.”
The first 2 minutes I was on the bike, in my head I was pretending that I was riding in the Tour De France, and I was excited and it was fun, I was smiling. After 6 minutes, I felt like I was riding that bike into a bright light. I could see my ancestors holding out bottles of water in front of me. Shit escalates quickly when you’re out of shape, man. The owners of the apartments put a nice new treadmill in there and they have two exercise bikes but I don’t think I should go back unless they put a defibrulater in there. I should at least take out a better life insurance policy before I try the fuckin’ medicine balls they have in there. Just to be safe.
Who am I kidding I’m never going back. Literally all I’ve eaten is pizza today.
And that’s why I don’t know how long I will live, I mean no one does, but I have a terrible diet and I don’t exercise. It’s scary. Death is scary man.
Is this still a comedy podcast? Ok, let’s do some weird news this week to lighten things up! In France a customer at a fried chicken fast food resturaunt was horrified to find a fried chicken’s head in their bucket of chicken. You know, I’ve heard of choking the chicken at work but that’s just taking it too far.
Ok I’m sorry, I just... I spent the whole episode talking about death. I wanted to end it on something goofy and light-hearted, and a joke about masturbating at work, but I don’t know if it worked.
Look, I know death is a dark topic and a lot of people don’t even like to think about it, but comedy is how I deal with bad things in my life and without it I don’t know what I would do sometimes. That’s why I try to be funny in this podcast, that’s why I love standup comedy, that’s why I love comedy in general. I would have been a lot sadder this week if it wasn’t for comedy.
So hopefully you’re not depressed after this episode and you enjoyed the podcast this week. If all my listeners haven’t killed themselves since listening to this episode I will see you guys on the next episode of The One Mic Podcast. And just be good to each other. Later, bitches!
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