-intro song
That was____by ______ as a reminder if you’re a musician and would like to be featured on the podcast just send an email my way at theonemicpodcast at gmail.com or message me on twitter @EJones91. And if you’re not a musician, like me, I didn’t have the patience to learn how to play harmonica which is literally just blowing and sucking in air, I’m still open to you sending me questions or if you have a joke you would like me to read, I would love that.
I still don’t have any sponsors for the podcast, so I’m still making them up. This episode of the one mic podcast is brought to you by the music they play at supermarkets. I don’t know who chooses these songs, I don’t know...It’s just, I wasn’t in the mood to spend any money and then I was at a store the other day and they started playing “Cats in the cradle” and suddenly I wanted to buy a flatscreen tv. They figured out the formula, there’s something about a father not being there for his son that just puts me in the mood to buy silverware. Swear to god if they had started playing “Candle in the wind” money would have just started flying out of my pocket!
The fake ads bit is just going to keep getting weirder and weirder, I can already tell, I think that’s how I’m going to finally get an advertiser to sponsor the show, because some company is going to step in and just go, “You gotta stop doing this dumb fake ad bit, we’ll sponsor the show, just stop doing the dumb fake ads. Please stop. You don’t even have to mention us, just take our money and...stop.”
But on to the show, I have a lot to talk about this week. This week I ran across a lot of weird tech news. In Hong Kong a man created a female robot that looks just like Scarlet Johannson, and the weird thing is that he’s trying to act like he doesn’t fuck it. He doesn’t even want to admit its modeled after scarlet johannson, he just says it’s modeled after a celebrity but it looks exactly like her. But that’s the funny thing he’s just trying to act like it’s a regular robot and not a sex robot. But he modeled the robot after hot female actress Scarlet Johannson why would do that if not to have sex with it, He didn’t model it after Jerry Seinfield so he could have coffee with it. That would be a great robot, you could just sit there with your Jerry robot. “Sure is sunny outside today.” “Why do they always call them sundays, if they’re not always sunny?!” “I don’t know, that’s a good question Jerry robot. Where’s your off switch? Where did I put that again?”
But I’ve got the article here, it says the robot can “respond to commands, bow, and make detailed facial expressions” Yeah, I bet it can make an O shape with it’s mouth perfectly. This fucking creep. It says he spent about $50,000 and had to learn fields that he knew nothing about, all in pursuit of the perfect nut. During this process he got little support from anyone and had people tell him “Are you stupid? This takes a lot of money. Do you even know how to do it?” They probably said other things like “Why don’t you just use your hand? And lotion doesn’t cost $50,000. You know that right?” “When you look at everything together, it was really difficult,” said Ma, who had to master unfamiliar topics from electromechanics to programming along the way, besides learning how to fit the robot’s external skin over its components.” And then fitting that over his dick. It was all very difficult. “Ma, who believes the importance of robots will only grow,” Just like the boner for his robot, he “ hopes an investor will buy his prototype,” Not that one! Everyone knows what you’re doing to that one. You’re gonna have to make new one if you want to sell it.
Just really weird, I love that he’s pretending like he doesn’t fuck it. You know before the interviewer came over to talk to him he had to clean that robot like crazy. He was probably fucking it when the phone rang and was annoyed when he answered it, “Who is this, I’m a busy man. Oh you want to interview me about the robot? Yeah, right now? Uhhh, can you give me like 15 minutes. Awesome, sounds good.” Oh my god, where’s the bleach!?
But if this is the future, people are going to be making robots that look like celebrities, this is going to create an even more painful level of rejection when a has-been celebrity finds their robot in the bargain bin. Because that’s right now, the worst moment for former celebrities is probably when they find their album or their DVD in the bargain bin of a thrift store but if people make robots of all their favorite celebrities, has-been celebrities are going to start finding full-size robots that look exactly like them sitting in the bargain bin at goodwill, knowing someone probably fucked it, used it, got tired of it, and then gave it away for free. And I know you’re probably thinking Goodwill doesn’t take used sex toys, you’re right but if people keep pretending they’re not having sex with these robots, thrift stores will have to take them, right? Imagine the moment Amber Rose walks into a thrift store and finds herself for sale for $5.
The future is going to be intense. Especially for the guys that try to build a perfect sex robot like this guy but they aren’t skilled enough to do it right, so it comes out looking like some Gary Busey Frankenstein monster looking woman with a misshapen pussy. But they’re too proud to throw it away, they tell their friends, “Shut up, she’s perfect for me!” And they stubbornly have sex with it anyway, not even enjoying it, but doing it anyway because - this was the dream!
On to less creepy news, I found a story on something called ColdFusion tv, which said that some guy had figured out how to use light to make an internet connection. Like Wi-fi but this uses light, and it’s called Li-fi. The video explained how it works but I’m too dumb to understand it, but somehow light rays are used to connect to the internet and it’s 100 times faster than Wi-Fi. Insane stuff. But it just made me imagine that in the future we’re all going to be like bugs that fly around porch lights and are drawn in by light, we’re all just going to be huddled around the brightest house in the neighborhood to use their Li-Fi, “Oh my god, it’s so fast! I can check my email!” I think that this was invented just as a last ditch attempt to give nerds a tan. I’m telling you, geeks are gonna have their computers hacked so that they can get more Li-Fi power than is supposed to be allowed so they can have faster internet, it’s gonna be so hot, they’re gonna come out of their parent’s basement looking like they’ve been on the beach. Their friends are gonna be like “Did you go on vacation?” “No, I was playing League of Legends.”
The future is coming fast people. Microsoft is testing out hololens technology right now. I was watching that video. You wear this visor looking thing and then you can move around objects. Like you swipe your hand and suddenly the weather report is in your living room in 3D, it’s crazy. But I’m worried because I think this technology is going to ruin some relationships. Right guys? Your girlfriend starts talking about something you don’t care about, some woman at work said something behind her back about her shoes and she found out, if you got the hololens on, you can do a little quick swipe and then, there you go, the NBA scores from last night in front of her face. They’ll probably have an audio option, you could turn some nice relaxing music on, or maybe one of those where it’s just sounds of waves crashing on the beach. But she’s gonna figure it out and she’ll be mad, and she’s gonna break your robot that she knows you fuck when she’s not home and you loved that robot, you spent 5 years making that robot look like Jennifer Lawrence and it ended up looking more like Gilbert Gottfried but you loved it anyway, so that’s the end of that relationship. Cuz you can’t mend those fences.
I don’t know what I’m talking about people. I’m barely passing my classes at ITT Tech right now. I’m the dumbest person but these are just issues I see happening in the future. I don’t know if I’m ready for it.
I hate touchscrean technology. What was so bad about buttons on phones? I mean really. I’m 24 years old and I’m saying this. I still have a blogspot account. Yeah, remember that? I bet you forgot that was a thing. I have one. The podcast webpage is currently located at onemicpod.blogspot.com Everybody has their podcasts on squarespace and wordpress and I’m like “follow me on Myspace!” Sometimes I feel old. I just recently figured out how to add GIFS to posts on Twitter and I was adding GIFS to every single tweet after that for the rest of the day. Like when your dad first learns how to text and he’s texting you everything he’s doing the whole day, “Going to the bank”, “Dad, you don’t have to text me every thought that comes into your head.”, “Bringing a banana, might get hungry.” ,”Dad, I’m gonna block this number.”
Honestly, I look smart but don’t let that fool you. For years, I thought you were supposed to say URL like it was an actual word. I would pronounce it Earl. I didn’t know everyone didn’t read it that way, until I was talking with someone and during the conversation I said “what you need to do is you need to go the webpage’s Earl and…” “I’m sorry the what?” “The Earl.” “You mean the URL?”
Something tells me the future is going to be a struggle for me.
The present is even a struggle for me. I struggle eating spaghetti out of a bowl. I can’t do that stupid twirl technique where you wrap the noodles around the fork. It never works for me. I hate when I have to do that. I would rather have someone take each noodle and one by one stuff them into my asshole than have to use that technique. That technique is really good for getting spaghetti all over yourself, you know what it’s not good for, eating spaghetti.
I wanted to talk about Wrestlemania and also I’ve been watching a lot of old UFC events on UFC fight pass, I want to talk about those a little but I think I’ll save those for the next episode of the podcast, that’s right a little teaser. I like to “live tweet” those old UFCs while I watch them because that’s how you get popular on Twitter, tweeting about about things that happened in 1994. But if jokes about old UFC events sounds fun to you, you can follow me on twitter for that. I’m up to 62 followers now, so I’ve almost caught up to your aunt linda, who tweets to all of her bingo partners.
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